27/05/2019

Gratitude Diaries 27.05.19

Good afternoon my beautiful readers!
What better way to start a gratitude blog post than thanking all of you for making this blog such a great place for me to visit after 4 years! I can hardly believe I’ve been on this journey for 4 whole years now! Crazy how quickly time flies and yet so many things have changed. I have changed and grown so much as a woman in the last year, yet alone the last 4! 
I’ve loved and lost, loved and found! 
Learnt and tried. Learnt and failed. Learnt and succeeded! 
I keep 2 journals, one is a law of attraction journal - bullet journaling, recording my daily activities and plans, recording goals, monitoring them through out the month and then summarising at the end of the month. 
The second journal records 3 things I am grateful for, 3 amazing things that are going to happen that day, 3 positive affirmations, 3 amazing things that happened that day (goals acheived etc) and then 3 things I can improve on for the following day/s. 
I have been doing these journals for 5 months now consistently, what I have found is the more gratitude I express, the days I go into my day with good intentions and positive affirmations are the days I succeed the most. It’s mindset control, it’s me, taking control of my own mind, and in turn determining what is going to become of my day! 
So I thought I would start sharing on here, not daily but often, the things I am grateful for in my current state of life. I hope this can somewhat resonate with you and trigger you to see things you are grateful for. 
Sometimes we spend so much of our energy thinking forward, or looking back that we don’t take the time to be grateful for what is now. 
Here are 3 things I am grateful for right this moment; 
  • The Amy Landino YouTube video I watched this morning about the benefits of reading more regularly. Did you know that reading 25-30 minutes a day can extend your lifespan by upto 2 years? No me either. This YouTube video led me to picking up the book “the secret” a book I’ve been reading on and off for a couple of weeks now. I ended up on the chapter about gratitude, which then inspired me to write this post. 
  • My second thing I am grateful for today is the freedom of my own time to be able to do these things. Quite often I live my life at 100 miles an hour - I actually love living life this way, but on occasion I do cherish the odd downtime day. Today I went to the gym to do my morning cardio, popped to Morrison’s to buy ingredients for breakfast, then nipped over to Costa coffee to pick up my favourite brew; a coconut latte with sugar free caramel syrup! Literally, it soothes my soul. I was back home, making a delicious breakfast and showered by 11am. Led down to watch some YouTube/read with a cup of tea and now I’m led, hair still wet - typing this up. 
  • The third thing I’m extremely grateful currently, is my new adapted mindset to life. I struggled deeply a lot last year, and the very beginning of this year with depression and extreme anxiety. I would lock myself away for hours and just sob, or do nothing just laying there waiting for the hours to pass me by. Eventually, I got sick of my own shit, and I started taking action to feel better. Therapy, journaling, audio books, podcasts. Whatever it took. The more time i invested in myself, the more these things started becoming habits. Healthy habits, replacing the negative habits that were shitting all over my shine. The more I acheieved these positive habits, the prouder I became of who I was becoming. The better I felt about myself, the brighter my vibe became. The brighter my vibe became the more good, happy, positive things I attracted into my life. The best bit of coming up from the darkest place and seeing my life change before me, is that I really appreciated those positive changes. I was/am grateful for them. 
What are you grateful for today? 
Blonde xox 


03/05/2019

My Biggest Flaw


I've never proclaimed to be perfect... Okay maybe I have but who would have believed me anyway? 
I have many flaws and bad habits just like everyone else. But my biggest the flaw, the one that gets me into the most trouble in every area of my life... relationships, friendships, work... TIMEKEEPING!!
I am that girl who is still sat in the bath tub while my friends are waiting at the dinner table, I reserved. 
Least I used to be, this post is all about the things I am doing to improve this shituation! 
  • 5,4,3,2,1 - I'm up. I've been using Mel Robbins 5 second rule to get myself out of bed as soon as that alarm goes off. 
  • Morning routine - Water, vitamins, coffee - GET IN THE SHOWER
  • Do not touch my phone... seriously the minute I start checking the gram, replying to DM's, replying to Whatsapp, it's game over. I now have a rule that unless it's an emergency which it never is at 6am - it can wait until after I am dressed and ready for work. 
  • Prepping my work clothes the night before, making sure my gym attire is ready to slip into when I finish work. 
  • Making sure all of my food is prepped and packed and ready to transfer from the fridge to my lunch bag, again I do this the night before. 
  • Getting to work early, to build up flexi time. I'm very fortunate that I have flexi hours at work, I can build myself up to 5 extra days holiday by working overtime during the week. Because I only get 45 minutes lunch break (30 of which I legally have to take) and I want to get to the gym straight after work - arriving at the office 15-30 minutes early is my best option for building up flexi hours. So far, I've build myself an extra 1.5 days annual leave!!
What are your little quirks that you could do with putting a little focus on correcting? 




01/05/2019

Summer Shredding 2019

You will have noticed alot of my most recent posts have been revolving mainly around food. This isn't much new... 80% of my life revolves around food in one way or another. Within 10 minutes of finishing one meal, I've usually planned out another.
I am a massive foodie... and I have one hell of a appetite for a small person. 
So any way the main reason I've been trying to get a little creative with my foods is that I wanted to drop a little bit of body fat for the summer months. I've been really really inconsistent for like 2 years now. I've been distracted with life which happens to all of us, but with me I've let myself get so out of balance. So today as a way of 'keeping myself accountable' I am going to write down my Goals for the remaining of spring/summer 2019. 

- Intermittent fasting, I've actually started this, proabably around 3 weeks in - intermittent fasting is just time slotting when you eat. I aim to eat all my meals between 12pm and 8pm. The thing I have found with intermittent fasting and the main reason it works for me is discipline. If I have just fasted for 16 hours - at this point I don't see the point in ruining that with a big greasy food choice. 
- Training, I want to be training 4-5 days a week minimum - weight lifting, with a goal of 10k steps every day. This may mean I go to the gym 7 days a week because it's raining out and I need to get my steps in or it may mean 2-3 days of the week I go for a long outdoors walk. I'm going to be flexible with myself in how I do it, but prioritise getting it done! 
- Ample sleep.... I've gotten to an age now where I simple don't function very well on less than 6 hours sleep. Between 6 & 8 hours sleep is the goal at the moment I seem to feel my best around 6.5 hours sleep. Seem's to be my sweet spot. 
- Cutting down caffeine and guzzling the h2o! Water is one of my biggest obstacles. I friggen hate drinking water, it's so easy to forget or replace with coffee.. I've started mixing BCAA into my water bottle, not because I particurly need the extra aminos all the time but just because it tastes great...and something that tastes great encourages me to keep drinking it! 

And then the biggest challenge - mind over matter. I need to commit, here and now to remaining focused on my physical goals over the next 3 months, NO MATTER WHAT personal challenges, dramas or confusing situations come up. No matter how settled or unsettled I am in my personal life. I have gotten into some really bad habits of just not showing up for myself when my mind is elsewhere and that just has to stop. 
I need to see this journey as an act of self love. Something I am doing for me.
Self sabotaging my self love, is simply not an option. 



29/04/2019

Cod with Mango & Avocado Salsa

Literally nothing more refreshing as cod and salsa on a summers night, this meal has a great balance of protein, healthy fats and carbohydrates! Tastes best served with some Jasmine sticky rice!

You will need:
1 x Mango cut into cubes
1 x Avocado cut into cubes
1 x Lime
1 x Lemon
1 x Red onion, finely sliced
1 x Red pepper, finely sliced
1 x Small handful of coriander
450g x White Cod (Fresh not frozen)
3 x Garlic cloves
1tbsp. Olive oil
1.75tsp. Salt.
0.25tsp. Pepper

Method:

Preheat the oven to 200 celcius and grease a medium baking dish.
Place the fish into the baking dish and top with the olive oil, minced garlic and 1.5tsp salt.
Cover with foil and bake for 10 minutes.
To make the salad, in a small bowl combine the mango, avocado, red pepper, red onion, coriander, squeeze the lemon and lime juice, add the remaining salt and pepper, and mix together well.
When the cod is cooked, serve with the salsa on the top!
Super simples! Super tasty! Enjoy!




26/04/2019

Honey Basalmic Chicken Recipe!

Guys You Guys!!! Hello!!!

Today I am going to give you the quickest lunch prep chicken everrrr and it is going to change your life!!
You can thank me later!
Okay here goes, preheat the oven to around 190/200 celcius.
Single layer a baking tray of some form with some juicy chicken boobies.
In a small bowl mix together 2tbsp honey, a good glug of basalmic vinegar, some chilli flakes, pink and salt and pepper and sesame seeds!
Pour the mixture over the chicken breasts, top with some sliced spring onions and bake for 30 minutes or until the chicken is cooked through!
Told ya it was easy!!!


24/04/2019

Simple Breakfast Egg Cups!

The following recipe is a great one for prepping ahead a breakfast or even just a snack. I like to make up a batch of these when I'm shredding as a low carb, high protein food with some good sources of omega!

Makes 12:
12 whole organic free range eggs
1 red bell pepper diced
1 white onion finely diced
1 large handful of spinach
1tsp black pepper
1 tsp garlic granules

First off, these do tend to stick to the pan, so you want to grease your muffin tray well.
Preheat the oven to about 190 celcius
In a medium bowl whisk together the eggs garlic granules and black pepper.
Add some ripped up spinach, red pepper and onion to each of the egg muffin holes then pour your egg mixture over the top.
Bake for 10-15 minutes or until the egg mixture has set.

To lower the calories on this further, you could do 6 whole eggs and 200ml of egg whites instead.



Fat Lil's Review!


There are two things I love more than anything, time with my loved ones, and a good ole cheat meal!!
So recently when I discovered Fat Lil’s, a cute little retro eatery in Witney, Oxfordshire – It was love at first sight!


Literally everything about this place is bang on the money (and worth every penny you spend when in there) from the rock music playing loud enough to set a vibe, but not too loud that you can’t hear yourself speak. To the cosy seating arrangements and atmosphere from the staff who are clearly treated well by management.
I think you can tell a lot about how a place is managed from the vibe the staff serving give.
Now, about their chicken wings – safe to say.. I ordered 2 portions… as a starter! Also on our table we had ciabatta with olives, basalmic vinegar and light olive oil.
My main was a L.A Street dog – a classic hot dog sausage (except I swear it tasted better than any other hot dog sausage I had ever tried) wrapped in streaky bacon, jalapenos, diced peppers, grilled onions, ketchup and mustard… oh em gee… it was massive!! This amazing dog came served with a side of  fries and homemade coleslaw.
Safe to say, I am a girl with a big appetite and I was defeated… maybe it was something to do with the 2 starters… yeah okay fine 3, I tried some of the bread too. The bill for 2 people, a little person, including drinks came to under 50 squibbles.
VALUE FOR MONEY!!
So, if you’re in the Witney area , and in need of an epic cheat meal I could not recommend Fat Lil’s more!




*This post is in no way sponsored and like all posts, reflects my genuine, personal opinions only.

22/04/2019

Coconut Vanilla Protein Cheese Cake Recipe!


I’ve been wanting to work on my protein based desserts for a while now… I am a sucker for a sweet treat… but I also want something that is a little lower in calories… so you know, I can have a bigger slice…
The following cheese cake is made with Time4Nutrition coconut vanilla whey. You can make it with any whey  you like but it has to be an easy to blend protein. I love Time4Nutrition for their smooth creamy easy blend yumminess.
You will need:
5 low fat digestive biscuits
680g low fat cream cheese
250ml of egg whites
250ml fat free greek yoghurt
45g Stevia
1 Scoop of protein powder
Method:
Preheat your oven to 175 celcius and  spray a medium sized cake tin (I use the ones with the lose bottom to get the cheese cake out in one piece easily at the end)
In a food processor crush the biscuits into crumbs and layer the bottom of the baking dish.
In a large bowl, combine the cream cheese, egg whites, greek yoghurt, stevia and protein powder.
Whisk until smooth, I wont lie, this bit is easier with an electric whisk… I didn’t have one to hand so a good arm workout did the trick.
Layer your cheese cake mixture on top of the biscuit crumbs and pop in the oven.
Bake for 35 minutes or until the edges start to brown and crack, and the middle feels firm to touch (may still wobble a tiny bit as long as it’s not looking liquidy)
Remove from the oven to cool, then put into the fridge to finish setting.
In about 2 hours, you’ll have yourself a delicious, healthier dessert option! Enjoy!!



15/04/2019

Mirror Talk - Power Thoughts


There are days when I wake up feeling like a total badass bitch with my shit together.

And then there are days when I need a lil pep talk… a little looking in the mirror and telling myself what’s what.

These are the days, I need my power thoughts:

“It’s just a thought, and thoughts can be changed” – my number one boomer towards anxiety.
“What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create.”
“Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness”
“The only time you fail, is when you fall down and stay down”.
“Doing your best at this moment, puts you in the best place for the next moment”
“I am not limited by any past thinking”
“I am willing to change and grow”
“I forgive everyone in my past for all perceived wrongs, and I release them with love.”
“You absolutely can do it, in fact you always could”
“Now, is your time”


 

12/04/2019

Hinching Myself Happy!

I’ve fallen in love with another woman!!!

Okay not quite, but I am in total admiration of the domestic goddess that is Mrs Hinch!

 A small town warm hearted woman from Essex has over the last 2 years taken over the gram with hundreds of cleaning tips and home d├ęcor idea’s. She makes rubber gloves look glamerous and finding a bottle of Zoflora exciting.

In  a world of women going over the top to make their appearances ‘something else’ it’s been so refreshing to stumble across Mrs Hinch and her humble approach to life, peace and home.

Our home is our zen, our peaceful place, our safe place to snuggle away in and be away from the rest of the world and Mrs Hinch has taught me how to make the most out of what I have in terms of a home, make old things shiny and beautiful again & like me, Sophie is a total sucker for a bargain!!!

Who needs a designer clock on the wall when you can create one for £7.99 on ebay!!!!

To me having my home in order, is a part of ‘having my shit together’ so…. If you want to learn some of the cleaning tips I’ve been lucky to stumble across I highly recommend you check out “Hinch yourself happy” - Not only will you not be able to put it down - You’ll laugh, you’ll update your Spotify playlist and you’ll be hinching away at your home by the end of it!

Honestly, I’ve got all the women in my office, hooked on hinching! Lucky husbands with happy wives living happy lives!

10/04/2019

Feta Stuffed Meatballs!

I’ve been really into my cooking lately and loving trying out some new recipes…. The fact I am supposed to be sort of shredding… is by the by! Here’s a great meatball recipe that goes nicely with a tomato based sauce, some wholewheat linguine… and if you’re me… bread… (there’s always room for bread on my desk!)

What you will need:
450g lean steak mince
0.5 white onion finely diced
3 spring onions finely diced
50g feta cheese diced into small cubes
1 egg
1 tbsp. mustard
3 tbsp. tomato puree
1 tbsp. clear honey
1 tbsp. garlic powder
1 tsp. black pepper
0.25 tsp. sea salt
1 tsp. Paprika
1 tsp. cider vinegar
1 tbsp. coriander
Method:

Preheat the oven to 200 degrees celcius, and line a baking tray.

In a large bowl mix together all of the ingredients well.

Roll into 2 inch round balls with your hand (yah it’s a little messy but totally worth it)

Place the meatballs a few centimetres apart from each other and bake for 20-25 minutes.

Allow them to cool and any juices to settle for a few minutes, and then serve!
 
 

08/04/2019

Comparison stole my joy!!!

We all have days, when we just don’t feel inspired in the world… or feel like we aren’t adding value to the world with our content, with our presence.
Well… I’ve had months like that…. Months of writers block.
Struggling to create and stick to goals.
Struggling to create media content I’m happy with.
Uploading, self-criticizing and then deleting.
If I’m honest, I’ve come so close to shutting down all of my media and blog every week for the last few months.
But I couldn’t work out why?
I mean I know I’m not the same girl I was 4 years ago when I started Blonde Ambitionz, but if anything I’m better – I have learnt so much about myself, so much more about nutrition, fitness. If I thought I had something to say then that added value – why don’t I now?
The mind boggles….
Then as I drank my morning coffee, scrolling the gram I found myself in comparisonville…
I don’t have abs like that anymore..
Why do my pancakes always look like they have been hit with a hammer…
I wish I knew how to style my hair like that…
How is her makeup so flawless….
What the hell am I doing comparing myself against all of these incredible people?
I’m my own, incredible person! I should be embracing, sharing that. Not thinking I don’t got what it takes just because her bloody pancakes look better than mine…
So I’m going to make a conscious effort, to leave this city of comparisonville… go back to the beginning and start sharing again, all of the things that are me, Janine… aka… Blonde, freaking Ambition!
Organically.
 

04/03/2019

Most asked fitness questions on IG!


1.       What got me into fitness?

The same as most people… it was 2 days before 2015 and I hated what I saw in the mirror. So I decided to do something about it. Started with slimmingworld… a diet I’ve never truly understood but to begin with it worked… after about 3 months I stopped seeing progress, joined a gym and focused on eating healthy. The more I learnt over the years, through study and experienced I discovered what worked for me and what didn’t.

2.       How do I stay motivated?

Truth is I go through long periods where I’m not motivated at all. I have a habit of letting other parts of my life taking over and controlling me. The thing is, fitness is something I am truly in love with, so I always go back to it when I’m ready. I think this applies to most people in the fitness industry, we don’t love it all the time, we aren’t always disciplined and perfect, but we fall back on it as a source of happiness.

3.       What is my favourite muscle group to train?

This changes a lot…. There was a time where I only liked training legs and glutes. Because its what I felt strongest in. Then I really put a focus on training my upper body and now I’m enjoying that. I’m like everyone else, if I struggle in an area I don’t enjoy training it…. !

4.       Do you follow Macro’s?

I’ve gone through phases of following macros and I would actually recommend it to anyone. It’s the most fail safe way to hit your goals. However for standard day to day eating when I’m not prepping with a goal in mind I stick to intuitive mindful eating. I think when you have been doing it as long as me you get a good idea about portion sizes and what kinds of food your body responds best to.

5.       What supplements and vitamins do you take?

All of my supplements are supplied by Time4Nutrition I highly recommend, in fact if you DM me I can hook you up with a sweet discount! I currently use their pre workout (bubblegum flavour) and their protein which is a nice casein and whey blend, I love both the coconut vanilla milk and raspberry ripple flavour! I also use their Rhubarb and Custard intra workout (BCAA) and that stuff is tastyyy! I even made ice pops with them last summer! So good! For vitamins I take omega 3 daily and 5-HTP with vitamin c and b6 in. 


01/03/2019

Responsibility - The Ultimate Game Changer


One of the toughest pills I had to swallow when I was in my lowest point of my emotional breakdown was that I, Janine, was 100% responsible for it.

·         I hadn’t had any therapy for the issues in my childhood that kept creeping up and haunting my relationships.

·         I hadn’t made peace with my past.

·         I hadn’t learnt to love myself so that the love of another was a bonus not an essential.

·         I chose to let people outstay their welcome in my life, disrespect me, tread on my confidence.

·         I chose loyalty to others over loyalty to myself.

·         I hadn’t forgiven myself for mistakes and ‘failures’ in my life. Yes I make mistakes.

·         I chased people that had no intentions of being caught. Relentlessly. To the point of humiliation. I did that out of fear of a loss for something that was never mine.

·         I lived in denial for many months, smiling in public and then sobbing myself to sleep.

·         I genuinely believed I didn’t deserve anything better than the life I was living.

The beautiful thing is, when I finally woke up, stared this bullshit in the face, got the help I needed and started releasing the negative behaviours, one at a time  - TAKING RESPONSIBILITY – everything started changing. I let go of people that were hurting me and made room for new, incredible people vibrating on these amazing frequencies to come into my life. Effortlessly.

My only regret? That I didn’t do it sooner. 


27/02/2019

Reliving Painful Situations...


Reliving pain – one of our most addictive forms of self-abuse. 

I’ve always been a ‘see a situation, sort a situation’ kinda gal. I need to see things through to the end, even when it nearly kills me.

I need answers.

I want closure.

Here’s the thing – when the situation is caused by another person, I never get either.

By reliving the past we believe it’s going to give us an opportunity to do it again, and respond differently. Maybe this time we will understand it better – what happened? Where did it fall down? What did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? Basically, torturing ourselves with the never ending record of “fuck my life”

Another thing we do, when replaying a situation in our own mind isn’t torture enough, is retelling your story to everyone in our life. Initially we may be looking for some form of reassurance that we didn’t do anything wrong or that everything is being okay but not only do we keep the situation alive and kicking by constantly replaying it, we invite the opinions of others, adding new chapters, and new thoughts to obsess over.

Here’s the thing, no amount of reassurance, can change what’s happened. Adding new theories definitely wont.

Living your life around a memory just gives it power to control you.

You can’t find happiness in the same place you lost it and you can’t find it by holding onto a painful story.

Happiness and forgiveness comes, when you take the decision to release the situation, let it go with peace and make room for something better.

25/02/2019

Hydrate your soul!


I found this article on the website www.hopetocope.com and I really thought it was excellent. I always knew dehydration could make you feel a bit sloggy and more likely to make poor food choices and your body isn’t able to properly extract the goodness from the nutrients, vitamins and minerals in your foods unless you are fully hydrated but this article goes into how dehydration can directly impact your mental wellbeing. So grab a glass of water and give it a little read….


Water for wellness


Researchers now believe that even mild dehydration will have an effect on your moods. Two studies from the Human Performance Laboratory at the University of Connecticut show that it doesn’t take much dehydration (they describe this as 1.5 percent loss in normal water volume in the body) to alter your energy level, mood, and ability to think clearly. Female subjects in one of the studies also perceived tasks as more difficult when slightly dehydrated.



Dehydration, the body and the mind


The University of Connecticut study found that drinking water has a “significant impact” on alleviating depression and helping with concentration. It can also help with sleep disorders. In one of the studies, lead scientist Lawrence E. Armstrong, a professor of physiology in UConn’s Department of Kinesiology found that when dehydrated, the subjects were more cranky and fatigued. Not drinking enough water can also cause headaches, sleepiness, and confusion, said Armstrong.



How much is enough?


First off, waiting until you’re thirsty to hydrate is too late, as our thirst sensation doesn’t appear until we are 1 or 2 percent dehydrated, explained Armstrong. “By then, dehydration is already setting in and starting to impact how our mind and body perform.” So how much should we be drinking? According to the U.D. Institute of Medicine (IOM), women should drink six pints of water per day and men should drink eight pints of water per day. Remember that even if you think you drink enough water, your fluids will be reduced by heat, exercising or drinking too much caffeine





22/02/2019

Speaking to the Universe!


Hey Everyoneeeee!

Today’s post is about ‘Affirmations’

An affirmation is a statement about yourself or your situation in which you desire to manifest into a truth.

I believe in putting out energy into the universe and the nature of that energy always returning to you. Ever notice if you walk down the street in a great mood smiling and saying hello to everyone that 80% of the time you will get a positive response? But if you walk around with the arse people cross the road to avoid you, without you even doing anything to them?

Vibes baby!

I also believe that what you truly desire, in your heart will be yours as long as you manifest it. Excluding people. Remember the universe has everyone’s back and it has a spiritual alignment for each individual person. You can’t go screwing up someone elses’ alignment by obsessively trying to manifest them into your life, it doesn’t work that way.

But if you desire love, respect, and inner peace – and you make your intentions clear to the universe through ritual affirmations (and actually believe what you’re writing) – it’s as good as yours.

Here are a few of my personal, most used affirmations. I write a journal daily, and I fill a page with affirmations of which I desire to attract to my life or my character.

“I am worthy love & respect”

“I release my expectations of others”

“I am free of worry and I am at peace with who I am”

“My strength is greater than my struggle”

“I forgive myself for past negative behaviours”

“I release past negative behaviours”

“I release >insert name of someone you wish to let go off< with love”

“I will feel grief, but I will not wallow in it”

“Life flows easily and effortlessly”

“I am growing, and I am healing”

Another recommended activity  is to record your affirmations and listen to them as you sleep, or repeat them to yourself as you look in the mirror. Just be aware that at first, it may bring up a few strange emotions as you tell yourself that you love yourself, or are deserving of love when you have been criticising and putting yourself down for years. It’s all part of the process though.

Give it a go for 30 days, I would love to know what you think!

20/02/2019

Happy New You!

We’re about 6 weeks too late, but what the heck, Happy New Year!! <Insert sheepish  grin>

Imma be real with you, I spent the first part of 2019 locking down social media, putting all my profiles private, and I just haven’t felt like writing at all.

I don’t really know how to explain what’s been going on.. except.. I put all my eggs into one shabby little basket and the basket fell apart, my life with it. The problem with smashed egg’s is they never go back together again in the same way, and if you don’t clean them up, they leave an awful stench.

Here was the plan: I was going to wake up, it was going to be an amazing fresh start to the best year of my life and all my hardships of 2018 were going to banish away.

Here is what happened: I woke up, everything was the same as the day before and  none of the unresolved issues had miraculously vanished.

I know… Shocking really…  how fcking dare it not all go to plan overnight.

Here’s the thing about putting all of your expectations and pressures on New Years Day and New Years Resolutions -  it’s fucking stupid. Don’t do it.

So I spent the first week of 2019 hiding under my duvet, refusing to eat, licking my wounds and drowning in self-pity. Then the second week my mother turns up and drags my sorry ass to the doctors. I’m sat in the doctors and the first thing she asks me is “when did you last eat?” before proceeding to tell me that she could smell from my breath that my body had gone into ketosis… fabulous I thought – as my mother handed me a breath mint!

I was diagnosed with acute anxiety and depression, offered prescription drugs and/or cognitive behavioural therapy. Now considering I hadn’t eaten in a while and I couldn’t remember what day of the week it was, I’m pretty proud of my decision to give the meds a miss and accept the cognitive behavioural therapy.

By this point my work were on board and organised for 6 counselling session.

Everyone was on team Blondie… except Blondie.. but I was getting there – I was at least starting to open my ears.

The next 4 weeks would be filled with therapy, affirmations, Louise Hay on youtube repeat, early nights, food…. (didn’t matter what as long as I made sure I ate) journaling and messaging my friends and family on hourly interims to make  sure I didn’t bottle it up.

In 4 weeks (FOUR WEEKS)…

I went from going with it to shut people up to getting excited about a free parking space.

I went from holding onto toxic energy, to blocking out people who caused me pain.

I went from eating because the doctor commented on my breath to making full blown slap up dinners for myself.

I went from hating who I was, to kinda thinking that chicks “alright”

Not too bad for 4 weeks am I right? Now don’t get me wrong, yo girls got a long way to go.

I’m still struggling with insecurities, trust and letting people in.

But I’ve come so far now that I’m really dedicated to trying my best, and I’m super proud of that.

In the 30 years I’ve been on this planet – 2019 is my already my favourite. I’ve learnt so much about myself, about how my brain works and that kind of knowledge is going to help me make the most out of the rest of my life.

So, here’s to a shitty new years, and a wonderful 2019!


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