13/12/2018

Anxiety & Low Self Esteem

If you’ve been following closely, on my social media this year you will have seen me recently open up a little bit more about my anxiety over the last 6 months’.

I’ve had 3 major episodes now, and the only way to describe it is SHEER PANIC about literally every single decision and action I take. Thinking way too far ahead and then scaring myself with the consequences. Either eating everything in sight or not being able to stomach a full meal. Feeling sick, shakey and drained from all of the above mentioned things.

I say I’ve been suffering on and off for 6 month’s – it’s been more active in the last 6 month’s but I’d really take it right back to March 2017 as the first time I experienced these kinds of overwhelming episodes of anxiety. Originally I went to the doctors, got put on medication to help manage it, came off the medication when I started to feel better and was lucky enough to not face any more episodes for about a year.

Coming off citalopram was a pretty horrid experience for me, I suffered all the withdrawals from sweats, to dizziness to vomiting. So this year when my anxiety came back to me with a bang I decided I didn’t want to go back on medication and so I had to really get to the bottom of where it’s coming from, what is triggering it and so on.

I kinda figured, as I work my way through this journey and learn more about myself, my mental life blocks and how to overcome them, I thought maybe I could help some of you with my findings, my healthy mind goals going forward and if you’re going through similar issues in life, we can battle these demons together.

So today… imma talk about one of my main trigger points for anxiety: LOW SELF ESTEEM.

Self-esteem reflects our own, personal emotional evaluations of our own worth. It’s the ultimate mean girl or boss babe of our inner wisdom. It encompasses beliefs about us, and it controls a lot of our emotional states. When our self-esteem is high we may feel triumph and pride. When our self-esteem is bruised, we’re likely to feel despair and shame.

Let me tell you something, it’s really hard to feel grateful for the world we live in when we don’t feel like we deserve the blessings in our life. For that reason alone, we need to be working on our self-esteem game okay, that baby gotta be strong.

Here are a few signs that you may be suffering with low self-esteem, feelings I know I’ve encountered lately, and how I am trying to battle them:

You blame yourself, for everything! It’s not that other persons fault for using you; it’s your fault because you let them use you right? Wrong… there’s taking responsibility for your life and there’s ridiculing yourself every time someone fucks you over. Some people are just selfish assholes; it’s a reflection on them, not you.

You’re obsessed with being perfect – this is one of the most destructive aspects of low self-esteem because it leads you to being in a constant state of failure, it doesn’t matter how much good you achieved that day, how impressive your day was, what will stick in your mind constantly, is what you didn’t achieve that day, you give yourself 3 goals, you hit 2.5 – for most people that’s a pretty damn good day don’t you think? Well when you have low self-esteem, that’s a failure.

Healthy mind goal:  Learn to set realistic expectations for yourself and consciously assess goals when setting them, how manageable are they really? Recognise there is a huge difference between failing something that you do and failing as a person.

Look for the bigger picture, take pride in the end product and stop nit-picking at yourself.

You think you bring nothing to the table - aka, doubting your ability but from a deep rooted sense of worthlessness and believing that you aren’t as valuable as bob down the street that owns his table and has painted it with unicorns and rainbows.

Healthy mind goal: Understand that worth is not defined upon us by anyone other than ourselves. Accept we all come with our own little unique talents and gifts, take pride in them and believe we are worthy people. It’s fab to think highly of others and learn from their talents and ways of life but hunni, we gotta stop comparing ourselves and irrationally thinking someone else’s qualities makes them more valuable.

 Repeat after me: “I will admire another for their good qualities, but not at the expense of my own.”

We’re people pleasers – (this is a classic me section right here) – we always feel like we have to please others, so that they like, love or respect us more. 80% of the time this results in us being used, and feeling the complete opposite of loved and respected. So it’s entirely counterproductive, exhausting and emotionally distressing.

Healthy mind goal: Learn how to say no… your worth doesn’t depend on the approval of others – if someone is in your life for the right reasons it’s for who you are and not what you can do for them. Be a little more selfish, and don’t feel guilty for it. Or at least think about your own needs – there are times when to bend over backwards to make someone happy and there are times when to do that for your damn self. Set limits on others – eventually, all the yes I will do this and that for you and give up the only spare time I have this week to make you happy when I’ve not had any time to myself omg this even sounds exhausting – is going to lead you into resenting the person you are doing it for. You’ll begin to think you’re mugging yourself off, this leads to anger and hurt and confusion and thinking ‘why am I not good enough’ and OH MY GOD CAN YOU NOT SEE THE CYCLE!! Just chillax, do things for people when you can because you’re an epic person, but give yourself limits to how far you will go, and honour them. Boundaries baby! Boundaries!

You’re irrationally fearful and anxious (Hey Blonde! That you!) – over time I have found myself on several occasions now believing that I am powerless to change, and that it’s normal to be riddled by fear which then creates excuses why I shouldn’t every time I am trying to take on new changes in my life.

Healthy mind goals: Work out and discriminate genuine fears from unfounded ones. Stop holding yourself back based on belief. For example that awesome promotion you’ve been too afraid to go for because you believe Boris is more suited to the role because he is more popular. Except Boris has the same level of degree as you, and you have been doing the same job as Boris for the last 3 years, the job isn’t a popularity contest and so there is zero evidence Boris is any better suited to the role at all….Build up your confidence by facing your fears. Draw a fear pyramid, biggest fear at the top, smallest at the bottom – and start working your cute butt to the top of that pyramid. Every time you face a fear you boost your belief in yourself and confidence as you go.

As always, I’m so grateful to everyone who takes the time to read this, and I’m looking forward to taking on this chapter of my life hopefully helping a few of you on the way.
All my love,

Blondie xox
 

 

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