23/01/2018

Healing Blonde!

It amazes me everyday how fickle the human brain can be, for such intelligent creatures we often find ourselves repeating the same cycles of self-destruction.

I started working on healing Blonde around 9 months ago when I hit rock bottom, I didn’t just hit rock bottom mind, I laid there and allowed myself to be squashed by a giant ass rock that crushed the air out of me. I spent several months in remission, thought I was okay, bounced back into my usual routines and forgot about all the hard work I had put into getting me back on me feet.

Turns out I rushed the process, and I didn’t fully address all of the reasons I hit rock bottom, not only that, I allowed a couple of the reasons to remain a part of my life thinking I could manage them, only to find out later on that leopards don’t change their spots and problems don’t resolve themselves.  

One of the perks of not having the shiniest childhood in history is that I learnt to be very self aware at a very young age. This has turned out to be a massive blessing later on in life.

So at this stage, in a self aware state I can see old habits repeating, me speaking down to myself, me blaming myself for things I can’t control. I can see the possibility of rock bottom if I don’t act now, but I have time to build my barriers and get out of some of the situations causing my inner battles.

And so, we enter episode 2 of healing blonde.

Stage one – removal of the issues. This is the hardest bit, because the issues are nearly always connected to someone we have very strong feelings for, or it wouldn’t be an issue at all.

Stage two – grieving the loss of the issue. Sounds ironic doesn’t it? But it bounces back to stage one where the issue is only an issue because I care enough about it to be an issue..  So if I cared and lost, I have to grieve the loss in order to move on.

Stage three – write down all the things I think – every thought, get it out there. I’m a nightmare for not being able to keep my gob shut when I have thoughts on my mind, unfortunately at the tender age of 29 I haven’t worked out how to filter them either… and some things really are best left unsaid to others, especially in the heat of the moment. So I write them down.

Stage four – Guidance, in the form of self help books, motivation tapes, anything to get me going, get my mind looking for ways forward instead of looking back.

Stage five – Acceptance, accepting that I am a little bit crazy, I am a little bit damaged, and that IS OKAY.

Do you know how much better I feel just for writing this down? Look, we all have hardships, pasts, problems. & if we seem happy and positive across Social Media, it doesn’t mean that we don’t struggle the same as everyone else. There isn’t a single critic that could attack me with words I haven’t already thought about myself at some stage. I may come across confident, but I suffer the exact same insecurities as everyone else, I just don’t always go public about them because sometimes admitting things like this makes me feel more vulnerable to the feelings connecting.

What was the point of this blog post?
Oh yeah so at the beginning of January I said I didn’t have a plan, well now I do. 2018 is going to be the year I become my own best friend, the year I feel confident enough to take myself out on solo dates, just me myself and my cheeky Nandos (inspired by my best friend Melly). 2018 is going to be the year I work my hardest, on myself, MENTALLY first but also physically and the year I work hardest on building MY EMPIRE.


Blonde, welcome to independence year! 


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